Page 319
June 11th, 2012

Page 319

Don’t you just love when you creep quietly downstairs in the middle of the night for a drink of water and you step on the talking bear who starts singing the ABCs really loudly and makes you jump.  It’s still better than stepping on cars barefoot.  My living room is a mine field.

Wohoo!  It’s ninja day on Woot!  Unstealthiest Ninja 3 is available on the front page and in the side sale on a unisex tank.

And if you missed any of my ninja shirts Unstealthy 1 is available in the side sale as a hoodie and a tee while Unstealthy 2 is available as a tee.  If you can’t already tell, I’m partial to ninjas over pirates :)

Tanked can fly!  (click on the vote button on the side because apparently this link does not want to work).


  1. Stitchpunk

    Oh my gosh Crack has such pretty eyes! I dont remember ever seeing his big like that before!

  2. Moonie

    I just love the color of Crack’s eyes, holy crap.

  3. Anthony

    OMG!!!! That happend to me before. Instead of a bear, it was a television that came on with that fuzzy white screen.

  4. Narfcake

    Woo, the Unstealthiest Ninja returns yet again!

    The original and second installments are available too:

    Just note that all of them are printing on the imported blanks nowadays, so pay attention to the sizing charts (and read up on the threads) before committing.

  5. Vince Velcen

    So will he take the Bear (cause he seem happ with those big beaming eyes of his), or take the Batteries from the bear?

  6. gamehunter

    AWWWWWWWWWWWW Crack is soooo CUTE :3

  7. Beta

    I’m really liking this whole Crack arc thing. The bear not the drug. It’s fun to follow him around for a bit in the spotlight, as funny as his moments are.

    Everyone can benefit from a lot of Crack now and then!

  8. Alpha female

    lol Crack’s face in last panel. “It talks!”

  9. kath

    i clicked your link and it says An error occurred. If this continues happening and isn’t clear why, please contact me via The contact page just thought you would want to know.

    love his quest for the batteries. :D

  10. Fazzey

    Crack is going to scream SO much due to the sudden talking of the cute teddy. He was all “Awwww” and relaxed…Then WHAM! the bear talked & look at his face! XD

  11. Rodney Bear

    Woah this is the first time I’ve seen Crack’s full eyes and him smiling.

  12. IWX

    I love that the dictionary is on Tanked’s side of the room, not Vanity’s. The posh intellectual in his head is awesome :D

  13. Ketira

    You’re not the only one that has a problem with Topwebcomics. I’ve seen that “error page” a couple times now. Do you have the incentive on your Facebook page?

    (On the bright side, at least you’re not like the Foglios, who write/draw Girl Genius. I can’t even find today’s page for that comic!)

  14. ponyhome

    When you said the bear was signing the ABC’s, I thought “well, at least that’s quiet,” and then my brain went “cool! a bear for deaf kids!” Then I realized it was just a typo. After all this, he’s going to find out that the problem is not batteries, but a burned-out bulb.

  15. Ketira

    Incentive is working now – that’s a cute image, mixing myth and Tanked!

  16. Sterling Rodd

    Wow, Crack has beautiful eyes. What a shame he’s rarely placid enough for us to see them. I’m convinced now we never did before this arc.

    Aw, Nerd… dissed by Crack. And just when I thought you couldn’t sink any lower than getting gangbanged by polars. :)

  17. iamry

    uh oh, incoming freak out in 3…..2……1….. (also, yes, he DOES have pretty eyes!)

  18. Finnbarr

    In my opinion it’s worse to stand on lego barefoot in the middle of the night. That stuff is sharp. Then you stumble about trying to get it unstuck from your foot and stand on more. Then you knock over a bunch of books and board games and the pieces go everywhere.

  19. Revriley

    I’ve said before that Crack is my favorite character, and I’ll probably repeat it every time I comment on this comic. Every time. And yep, I think it’s safe to say that those eyes are darn impressive. I wonder if any of the other bears have ever noticed/seen his irises before.

    Have we seen his irises before? Yep, though the color seems to be fluctuating. Here: and they are simply light blue. Also throughout this whole arc (though on that page the inner iris is a different shade of blue than the outer). That arc, by the way, was a prime example of dark/angry Crack.
    (Tanked too has had on most occasions light blue eyes, but during his origin story at one point he displayed two different shades).

    So yeah, his inner iris was blue before, and his outer more blue than turquoise, but I say keep this! (Out of curiosity, Miss Acton, did you just forget or deliberately try this new combo out?)

    –Personally, I like this unique eye color combo the best. Gives something to the character, I suppose–a pretty part of him in contrast to his constant shiverings and presumably disheveled state. It also goes against the standard fantasy ‘look at her deep emerald eyes she MUST be a princess beautiful being and is one with nature’ sort of thing–pretty eyes doth not make a character–

    (HEY Miss Acton, let’s get more of that side of Crack sometime!)

    Also this is one of the few times in which we’ve seen Crack calm enough to warrant a ‘what’ response? Not amused, irritated, that sort of thing. Crack’s usually too paranoid/frightened to be irritated, so it’s unusual and somewhat gratifying when he does do it. One major instance is that arc I last cited, the ‘Crack Conspiracy’ which is basically what happens when Crack is pissed off (even a badass, no? He takes out Evil and lives1). It doesn’t last, of course, but still… (I also recall another comic page but can’t find it).

    My impression was that the sound of the bear would somehow alert Vanity to Crack’s presence in his room, which he’d be not pleased with.

    Out of curiosity, does some of Crack’s fears/persona stem from somehow being treated like nothing in his past? One of his self-help tapes repeated over and over “I am of value”–perhaps at some point Crack thought he was worthless and still somehow thinks that? Hm.

    Man, I hope I don’t come across as some sort of crazy obsessive. It’s just that we haven’t seen Crack for so long, and I’ve been thinking about his character, and…yeah, I’m not helping my case at all, am I.

    (I don’t think Crack’s that relaxed right now, to be honest. He needs those batteries otherwise, I dunno, the night monsters’ll get him).

  20. igan

    Abuse is a possibility. I always kind of wondered if Crack was actually a recovering addict, or if he was just called Crack metaphorically because of his tweaky nature. He generally seems so bent of avoiding potential danger or even potential discomfort it seems odd he’d have been a substance abuser at all, but maybe that’s just a symptom of overuse. iunno

  21. Tiptappers

    That bear looks as evil as chucky. Or billy the puppet. Or another obvious and terrifying doll of a horror movie

  22. bakaneko

    DAS BOOT!!

  23. corvuscorone68

    lol you guys stepping on Legos is one thing but try poo, a friend of mine, his house-mate had a dog who went to the bathroom all over the floor in my friend’s room one night, and my friend stepped in it when he got out of bed

  24. Sterling Rodd

    Oh, I just noticed the Labatts Blue reference on the side of Tanked’s fridge. Nice. :D

    Is it a good idea having a stuffed bear begging for a friend in the same home with Lech? Hey, Crack, before you pick it up, maybe it’s time for pirate spray…? :)

  25. ckdesign

    Can you turn this into a print too? pretty please??

  26. BriNaka

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! i needs my bears!! DB< I can’t wait to see what happens next :D i really love this comic!!

  27. raeByppilF

    Perharps Crack’s eyes become blue-ish when he’s freaking out?

    Oh, and I love that there is a dictionary on Vanity’s room (because he’s chinese, right?), nice touch.

  28. crazed

    German boot glass iv only seen one before and the dictionary is on tanks half of the room

  29. IWX

    The dictionary is on Tanked’s side of the room – no carpet, and it’s on a cooler next to a fridge that probably has more beer.

    As we’ve seen before, Tanked has a different view of the world around him. From his perspective, he is quite cultured and sophisticated:

    Possibly an illustration of umwelt? I prefer that to blatant delusion. Classy Tanked is awesome.

  30. Jewelschan

    I love the Unstealthiest Ninja 3 design and so does my boyfriend. But we would prefer to have it on t-shirts and hoodies, are you planning to making it on anything else than a tank? =3

  31. admin

    @ponyhome: ha, nice catch. Fixed!
    @Finnbarr: yes, lego sucks big time.
    @Revriley: lol, a Crack fan indeed. I think I did originally make his eyes monochromatic like the others, then I started playing around with the bits of purple and it just evolved to this.
    @corvuscorone68: or baby puke. I almost fell once slipping on that stuff
    @ckdesign: turn what into a print? the ninja tee?
    @Jewelschan: Ninja 3 is available as a shirt here: It’s up to Woot what format they sell them in, I don’t have any say on that.

  32. Solbet

    Worst thing I ever fell on in the middle of the night on a wayward sip of water was a bunch of these.. . Tripped on a shoe, a kids book, and then landed on about 20 of em. I couldn’t sit for a week afterwards.

  33. Solbet

    Oh bother, used the wrong dang email account, lol.

  34. AJ

    Have you ever thought about making an actual unsleathiest ninja comic?

    You have a pretty good (and interesting/amusing/etc) premise right there! :D

  35. AJ


    … stealthiest… I don’t know what unsleathiest is… but I imagine it’s something dirty…

  36. Draco

    Why doesn’t Crack ask Death or Gimp for some batteries? Him along with Prozac and Gimp seem like the only three bears that actually care about the others.

  37. Zachariah

    I just have to say I found this comic only a few hours ago and have read through all of them so far, i love this comic with it’s awesome characters, depravity, awesomness, and just all around fucked-up but no too fucked-up

  38. Toby

    For some reason I read everything Crack says in Tweek Tweak’s voice.

  39. Venus

    Oh my god
    see, when this page first got posted, i just started reading this comic. So when i first came to this website this was the first comic I saw, so when I read it I thought Nerd was offering crack, as in the drug. I had no idea at that point that crack was his name x3

  40. Cam

    Crack’s and Gimp’s eye colors are my favorite!

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